Parents and their Teens

I was watching Parenthood last night. There is a particular situation happening on the show right now that intrigues me. Perhaps because I've experienced from different angles and seen it happen. Hattie is a 16 year old on the show. She recently started seeing a 19 year old named Alex. She met him at the food bank that she decided to volunteer at to pep up her resume. Alex is 19 (as I stated above). Alex is a recovering alcoholic. Alex is emancipated from his lowlife parents and therefore lives on his own. Alex is black. At a dinner where he met the parents, he talked about his childhood and how he ended up where he is. He was very honest and is doing better than plenty of people the same age with a "normal" upbringing. After it all, Hattie's parents talked amongst themselves and decided that because he lives on his own and is a recovering alcoholic, they think that is too much for the 16 year old to handle in the long run and they are afraid that her adolescence will be cut short. Then, her parents made what I think is one of the fundamental mistakes of parenting. The told her that she could no longer see Alex. They did not allow her to weigh in on the situation at all.

So, that is the set-up.

I can only speak as a former teenager and one who has seen this happen and experienced it in a very personal way. I also hope I remember this when I am a parent of a teenager some day. Also, I am in no way saying that teenager should have free reign to just do whatever they want. Rules are good. Boundaries are good. BUT...it is NEVER good to "forbid" a teenager from seeing someone (be it a friend or boyfriend). The only thing that does is make them want to see that person even more. It IS good to have a discussion with a teenager issuing concerns about said individual.

In my life, I truly believe that so far all has turned out as it is supposed to...even with some pain along the way.

5 Tips for parents from the eyes of a former teenager:

1. Share stories of your past. There is no need to include each and every detail, but be honest. Your kids will appreciate you much more. If you are honest with them, there is a better chance that they will be honest with you. If you don't share with them...they won't share with you and will find someone they feel more comfortable talking to.

2. Let your child learn from their mistakes. This doesn't mean to just let them get away with anything and everything. It is important to set boundaries. It is also important to know what is going on in their lives and the lives of their friends (not in a creepy invasive way...unless they give you reasons to be invasive). I DO NOT support the parents that simply say, "My child is going to drink somewhere, so it might as well be at my house." Breaking the law is breaking the law. They may decide to do so, but you don't need to condone it.

3. Don't "forbid" your child to associate with a person (be it friend or more). Share your concerns and allow them to talk about their feelings as well. Keep a watchful eye on the situation. Chances are things will work out as they are supposed to. However, if it starts getting out of hand, step in.

4. You are not their friend...you are their parent. That doesn't mean that you can't have a friendly relationship. Just make sure they (and you) know the boundaries. There is a great time when your children turn into adults that you can be friends.

5. Back to number one...COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE!

Again, I am not a parent. I am not an expert on parenting. I have parents and I have been a teenager. My experiences and observations are the only things that have led me to these opinions. Simply take it at face value.